I remember vividly the moment I knew that a major change was needed for my parents. My mom had some major medical complications and needed a level of care my father could no longer provide. I was on the phone with my cousin, wandering through the grocery store, trying to find something to cook for their dinner. This became a nightly ordeal.
His early dementia (that would eventually lead to Alzheimer’s) and her short-term memory loss from a stroke, combined with congestive heart failure, kidney issues, and diabetes meant they could no longer live at home on their own.
Stressed with their care, my job and care for my then teenage son, I was exhausted and unable to care for them as well.
My cousin, sensing my despair, urged me to consider Assisted Living Facilities (ALF’s) so that all of us would be able to live happier lives.
I searched and found the perfect solution—close to my home, affordable and with activities I was sure my parents would enjoy.
Within two weeks, I had them moved in and began renovating their home for sale, confident that life was back on track for everyone.
However, I made a huge mistake. I didn’t consult with my parents on the place I picked out and it caused some hurt feelings. The truth is, most seniors don’t choose to move to Assisted Living.
Here is what I could have done better.
1. Sit down with my parents to discuss the need to move
My parents had lived in their house for 37 years and the decision to move them was not theirs. There were other solutions I should have considered including home care.
2. Involve them in the selection of their new home
Once my parents knew they were moving, the decision had already been made on where they were moving to. I had invested the time to visit and explore all the options-looking at the places that were most convenient to me, were in our price range and had a few activities I thought my parents would enjoy. I never considered where their friends might be living and thought I was being the good daughter by taking care of the details for them. Instead, they felt shoved into a situation without any control.
3. Help them adjust
Being “relocated” was a big culture shock for my parents. Moving from a three-bedroom, two-bath home to a much smaller apartment was difficult in many ways. Besides feeling displaced, they weren’t able to take all their things with them and although I didn’t recognize it, depression set for both of them. I realize now that talking to a counselor may have made it easier for all of us.
My own exhaustion got in the way of making better decisions.
If you are going through something similar, know There are experts that can help guide you through the process and ease the stress and transition for everyone involved, including social workers, estate planning attorneys, religious organizations, and community organizations that specialize in seniors.
Technology is a wonderful thing.
I am a member of the Boomer generation, and while I try to keep up with all the Millennials who probably have never experienced life without technology in their grasp, there are times I feel overwhelmed and disconnected.
That sounds like an oxy-moron.
The very thing that keeps us connected to the rest of the world through millions of apps, (2.8 million for Android and 2.2 million for Apple as of March 2017,) and websites has me feeling disconnected.
I’m not against technology. I have a Smartphone, a computer, an iPad, even a Smart TV, and I use them all every day.
Our devices have become a third leg, we don’t go anywhere without them. I’m guilty of that as well. I feel lost without my iPhone, check it first thing in the morning and keep it nearby at all times. And of course, I’m not the only one. Almost everywhere you look, people are staring at their phones. Some use it for entertainment, others reading the news, or checking out the latest shopping deals; the list goes on and on. There really is a good, bad and ugly of Smartphones.
Many people probably don’t even remember a time when people struck up conversations in line waiting to buy movie tickets. They either have their faces glued to their phone, or they have bought the tickets . . . ONLINE!
We have become content to spend more time alone, our only companion our hand-held devices.
Or, when we are with others, we’re not engaged in conversation because we are checking Facebook, Tweeting or Texting. What has happened to our human connections?
The question then becomes:
How can we use technology to stay connected?
There are so many cool apps and devices that can keep us in touch with one another. More than I can list. More than I have tried. More than I will ever hear of and try.
But that’s not the point.
Whatever technology tool you use to get together with people, use it solely as a tool and then rely on human interaction.
Be present with each other. Sure, use your phone to text, set up meetings or social events, but when you are present in each other’s company, BE PRESENT. Take a picture, post it on Social Media and put your phone away. Make eye contact, smile and have a real conversation.
I get there are situations where you can’t physically be together and have those in-person experiences. And that is where technology is a real plus.
Skype or other technologies such as Google Hangout and Zoom where people who don’t live in the same town or even country can see each other are amazing for connecting. Not only are these services available through your computer, but with a Smart TV, programmed to access the Internet – you can interact with friends and family on the big screen.
Even video games that are played online that allow users to chat with each other have value in connecting the players to each other.
But here’s the key to really connecting. If your phone is in your lap and you are constantly looking at it, chatting with others, posting to social media, shopping online, etc. then you have missed the point of being present.
Interested in being connected on a human level? I conduct workshops that teach people the skills to connect through their values — Ask me about team building events for Corporations, Seniors, and Kids.
Previously published on PakWired.
How you choose to think about a situation is going to determine how quickly and successfully you move through it.
This applies to many areas in life: money, relationships, work, comments you overhear, things you read on the Internet, and so much more.
You have the power to choose how deeply you internalize any situation and while it may take some practice, each time you rise above what is happening and view it more objectively, your skill level increases.
Here is what I discovered
You can’t change the past, but you can change the energy you allow it to own.
Having been a student of life, all my life, I learned much of what I know from observing others and how they react and respond to people and circumstances.
Not to say I haven’t learned from my own experiences as well, but it seems easier, or perhaps more clear to notice others first and then in reflection, ask yourself what you would do in the same situation.
You can go forward, backward, or do nothing.
Consider these options
- You can dwell on the situation, letting it fester and make you sick emotionally (and physically.)
- You can seek out more information to understand what occurred and if it is a situation that can be resolved.
- You can accept where you are and move forward, onward and upward.
I’m not saying forget something happened. That’s how we learn and make different choices in the future. But the energy doesn’t need to have an emotional charge that brings us down.
This is why I recommend looking at it from a different view—as if you were not part of the equation and you were only observing.
Try it and let me know if it affected you differently.
Did you know that happier people can make an organization become more profitable? My workshops help people find common ground, build business bonds, and strengthen relationships.
The beginning of another year –
I don’t make resolutions. I don’t believe in waking up on the first day of each year, determined to turn my life in another direction. Those kinds of declarations rarely stick.
Instead, I look for ways to be more present in my everyday life. And for me, the best way to stay present is to stay connected –with myself – and others.
On one hand (did you look at the picture) I have to have “Me” time – my personal health and well-being depends on it. If I am not fully present with myself, or don’t fill my own bucket first, I am not able to do so for others.
Here Are Five Ways I Stay Connected To Me
Experience Nature – Going for a walk and feeling the breeze in the air lifts my spirits. The sound of the rustle in the leaves, sings to me and the colors are inspiring. It doesn’t matter the season; I find joy in every walk. The pace doesn’t even matter, it’s about moving my body and noticing life blooming all around me.
Read – I love getting lost in a good book and taking a journey somewhere new. I prefer physical books, but on occasion read them on an electronic device. Even audio books are great, especially in the car. Even if it’s only a half hour per day that I escape into another world, it’s valuable me time.
Travel – There are so many places I want to visit and I don’t know if I will get to all of them, but I don’t want to live with regrets that I never went anywhere. Day trips are valuable too; a change of scenery can be an adventure. It’s easy to get stuck in a routine and stay close to home. Venture out and have fun in new places.
Experience – Try something new. Last year I went zip lining for the first time. It was a blast. But if you are not the outdoor adventure type, something new such as a cooking or art class can be fun.
Meditate – Turning off your mind to outside stimuli is a great way to recharge. Sometimes there is so much coming at me from so many different ways that I get overwhelmed. A few deep breaths and some soothing music allow me to drift to a peaceful place.
Now, on the other hand, life is expanded when experiences include others. Sharing time with others opens you up to their feelings, viewpoints, wants and needs. But connecting doesn’t mean just being in the same space together; it is about going below the surface to discover more about each other and how you can add to their lives.
Here Are Five Ways To Connect More Deeply To Others
Be Present – Put away your cell phones and other electronic devices. The emails, text messages, social media posts will all be there later. Paying attention to outside stimuli sends a message you care more about “things” than relationships.
Be An Active Listener – If you are so busy trying to figure out what you want to say next, you really aren’t hearing what others are saying. Someone once referred to this as “having your own motion picture going in your head.” Relationships are so much better when you are both watching the same movie!
Discover Their “Why” – We all bring our learned values and experiences to every relationship. Past events shape our lives. “Why” someone acts or feels the way they do about any situation is directly connected to their experiences. The more deeply you understand others, the stronger the relationship becomes.
Find Common Ground – It’s a natural tendency to want to hang out and get to know people we have things in common with. There are plenty of groups online that help facilitate those experiences. When you don’t know in advance that you have like interests, asking questions about birthplace, hobbies, passions, etc., is a great place to start. A recent acquaintance and I discovered we both attended the same camp at the same time when we were kids during a conversation. It’s a common bond we will always share.
Be Open-Minded – I have a unique set of beliefs, opinions and ways of doing things. They work for me, but I don’t expect everyone I meet to buy into them. My conversations would be pretty boring if everyone agreed with everything I said. I have very dear friends who hold different religious and political beliefs, raise their children differently and view many aspects of life through a different lens. Those actions and views are right for them. We can agree to disagree and we trust each other enough to be open-minded about having ideas that vary from our own way of thinking. It makes for some interesting conversation too!
Did you notice the graphic at the top? Two hands representing 2016 equals 20 digits, not just 10. So here is an additional list of relationship builders for you.
The “Handy” Top Ten Attitudes That Will Make Your Relationships Even Better in 2016
Be Optimistic – We attract what we project out to the world. Always look for the silver lining.
Be Grateful – Appreciate what you already have instead of focusing on what isn’t there.
Be Joyful – Live your life enthusiastically. Savor each moment.
Be Possible – Yes, you can achieve your dreams. The path may not always be clear, but it is there. Believe in yourself.
Be Helpful – Whenever you see an opportunity to make someone’s life better, do it. Not only will the other person feel good, you will too.
Be Kind – Especially with your words. They remain behind.
Be Forgiving – Holding on to hurt and pain will rob you of your personal power. Most importantly, forgive yourself and move forward to better things.
Be Sincere – You’ve heard the phrase, “Say what you mean and mean what you say?” It applies to how you view yourself too.
Be Passionate – Live life to the fullest and give it your all. The rewards are equal to the passion behind the effort.
Be Amazing – Because you already are. Own it!
Wishing you a year of momentous relationships!
I struggle with written directions. Reading financial statements stresses me out and makes my head spin. Following a written recipe is a challenge. I look like an early reader with my finger resting on each word.
Tell me the driving directions or share a recipe verbally and I’ve got it. I can visualize what I hear and I’m off and running, or driving, or cooking.
Back in my college days studying communication, I learned about the different ways people process information. My husband and I are complete opposites. Sometimes our conversations go in circles as we each try to get our point across in different ways.
I know I am an audio-digital learner because I process sounds and I’m sensitive to voices. I can’t hear two conversations at once; I simply shut down. If you talk to me while I’m watching TV, I only hear garble from both sources. The good news is you only have to tell me something once and I will almost always remember. But tell me something multiple times and I tend to get irritated.
“You told me already! I got it!”
My husband is a visual learner. He writes everything down and is a list maker to the ‘nth’ degree. There are envelopes and pieces of paper all over the house on which he writes the same notes over and over.
If I need him to pick up something at the store, he can’t keep that item in his head. He has to write it down. If he can take an empty container with him to see exactly what he needs, all the better. Unlike me, he prefers written directions and is challenged listening to a GPS.
I used to get really upset when he asked me for information, then had to wait for him to to write it down. I would find I would have to repeat the information several times until he finally had it all on paper. It was incredibly frustrating because I felt he wasn’t listening to me. I didn’t understand why I had to keep repeating myself. I didn’t get why he didn’t hear me.
“I told you already! Why don’t you hear me?”
It took me a long time to understand my husband wasn’t ignoring me. A recent conversation with a friend on communication styles brought my college lessons to the present. Once I remembered we communicate and process differently, it was as if lightning struck in a good way. (No, this one isn’t about my chimney.)
We also handle situations differently too. He wants to solve them immediately and move on to the next thing. If I don’t see a project as urgent, I set it aside until I believe it needs to be worked on.
For him, the perfectionist who wants everything done immediately, hearing it will be done is not the same as seeing it done. He has a hard time with my viewpoint that the project will get done when I’m ready to tackle it, and my timeline doesn’t have to be his. I wish he would take the time to rest and not make everything on his list a high priority.
We still have challenges, but understanding our different styles helped us to find our rhythm and to ease the frustration we both felt.
In order to effectively communicate with my husband, I need to respect and accommodate his learning style of writing things down.
We came up with a thumbs up symbol to let him know that I am taking care of whatever task he thinks I need to be handling; it lets him know I am aware and it is on my list.
What used to irritate us has led us to build a bridge between our different learning styles.
We are both learning patience.
Previously published on The Good Men Project